How was your summer? That is the question that many of us will be asking others over the next couple of weeks. I am genuinely interested in the response given, especially as I have already been asked how it was by a couple of folk, bathed in the language of ‘blessed’ and ‘rest.’ Honestly, it was okay...mostly. I had many plans: various projects around the garden and house, some time to tidy the hedges and edges of the fields after the hay harvest, and time for reflection and reading. Most of these failed to occur, and it is all too easy to criticise myself for the failure. From glancing at Facebook, others seem to have accomplished so much more; they have been on retreats, spoken at various festivals and events, led church camps, and written inspirational words to encourage spiritual growth. Their children have baked perfect cakes, and their wives have crocheted Psalms of encouragement that hang neatly in their perfect yet modest homes. Honestly, how was my summer? I survived, just about, with my faith intact, the garden a mess, a pile of books still to read and feeling in desperate need of a rest and not as holy as other leaders.
I suspect, like many, my propensity to compare myself to others, to measure what I have done against what others have achieved, causes far more harm than good. There will always be someone who has achieved more, read more, prayed more, and been sought for their advice and counsel more. Why do I measure myself against what others have achieved rather than accept that at this particular time, not to have shot someone is a win! I need to be kinder to myself and learn to like who I really am instead of the person I think I should be.
I am re-reading The Gift of Being Yourself by David Benner. His thesis is that we cannot know God until we truly know ourselves. It is an insightful, at times uncomfortable read, but one that is helping me recognise that who I am is not defined by what I do, nor does what I do make God love me any more than He already does. I am sure many of you are already way ahead of me on this (there you are, comparing myself again!); nevertheless, how we appear in public is invariably perceived as being more important than the reality of what is going on inside. An enormous chasm between our public self and true inner experience begins to form, and we can be too proud to admit this or address it.
As you may have gathered, I have decided to be more honest about myself, with others and, perhaps most importantly, myself. My personal sense is that for this next season, authenticity is key. If you ask me how my summer was, I might just tell you!
After growing up in the brethren tradition, training at Spurgeon’s Bible College to become a Baptist minister in the 90’s, and now undertaking a Masters in Mission and Spirituality (Ooo, get me), I know a lot of stuff about God. The danger is this all stays in dusty storage canisters in my mind, ready to be opened when I need to win an argument, prove a point, or impress you. In of itself, it doesn’t lead to transformation. To be truly transformed, I need to know God, not simply know about God - and as stated earlier, knowing God needs to begin with knowing ourselves.
Knowing ourselves, so points out David Benner, begins by knowing the self that is known to God. God knows who I really am, not my public self that I so often like to portray, but the real me - warts and all. God does not have warm, sentimental feelings towards me, He cannot help seeing me through anything but the eyes of love. It is unconditional, unlimited, and unimaginably extravagant – and I don’t think I’ll ever get my head around it.
So, as we move into this new season, I invite you to join me in accepting the Divine invitation to know ourselves and to know God. A season of raw honesty about how we really are, not the image we like to project. It’s about stopping the spin where we try to make everything an encouragement (constant positivity can be just as toxic as constant negativity). No more bragging about events we have led, the status we think we have achieved, or theological positions of certainty we have embraced. It’s not about our neurotic struggles, but rather an invitation to live life honestly, openly, and vulnerably. To seek and accept forgiveness and grace when needed and welcome the transformative power of Christ each time we break bread and share wine. Can I suggest that for the remained of this month, we each use Psalm 139 to reflect on as we try to know ourselves and God better.
O LORD, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, LORD.
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
Simon Mattholie CEO, Rural Ministries
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